Previously I mentioned how “understanding” your own situation is more important than doing exercises that can only make you “feel good” temporarily.
In this article I am going to give you a practical demonstration of how you can often solve problems by just “understanding” them.
Believe it or not, my workload as a dating coach is pretty heavy.
Unlike what most people assume, I don’t make money just sitting around doing nothing. (Or by “scamming people” as some flamers call it.)
I receive hundreds of emails a day that I have to answer personally and I also have to read tons of science journals and go on “field-trips” to observe social interactions in the real world.
On top of that, I am also one of the ONLY dating coaches on the Internet who writes his own articles and books instead of hiring it out to some “ghostwriter” on Elance. (You would be surprised at how many popular dating advice sites are actually written by “ghostwriters” instead of a real dating coach.)
One of the problems I had when I first started out was procrastination. When you’re working in front of a computer every day, it is so easy to “take a break” and visit CNN.com for the latest news…and end up browsing around for and hour or two instead of doing any productive work.
I also found myself delaying “important tasks” such as creating new reports because I was too busy doing things that weren’t “as important”.
Every day, I avoided all the tasks that I “disliked” even though they were important to me. (Such as marketing my website – I am still working on that!)
I knew I was procrastinating…and I did try to stop it. I tried every “trick” I had learned from time management books to organize my time better. I tried putting a banner on top of my computer monitor…I tried different organizational software…I even tried getting into a more optimal “peak state” when I worked.
But nothing worked…until I discovered a “secret” about 3 years ago.
About 3 years ago, I decided to apply my knowledge of the human mind to make my working habits more effective.
I decided to look at the emotions and states that were keeping me from doing the tasks I needed to do.
What I did was the following:
I bought a new journal and titled it “My Procrastination Journal”. Then every time I felt like delaying a task for later, I would write down the reason “why”, such as “It’s too hard” or “It’s unpleasant.”
Within 1 week, I had discovered why I was procrastination.
Whenever I procrastinated, it was because I was avoiding some negative emotion, state, or belief that was associated with the task.
For example, when I procrastinated on answering my emails, it was because there was one or two (or more) flame mail in my box that I did not want to see. So instead of answering them to “get them out of the way”, I just avoided opening my email program until I had thousands of emails to answer. (This is why I delete all flame mails now…unless I find them “funny”. Even though I’ve been working as a dating coach for years, I still get a bit upset when I receive a flame mail…)
Or…whenever I procrastinated on writing an article, it wasn’t because I was “lazy”, but because I did not have a topic for the day yet. (In other words, I didn’t know where to start.)
This journal had REALLY helped me to understand myself better. It was more useful than any “ooh-rah” business or motivation seminar I had intended.
Instead of just “feeling good” and working hard for 2 weeks, I found myself consistently being more productive than most people in this world…simply because I’ve taken the time to “understand” my problems better.
And this is why for the past three years, I’ve been spending so much time to help my clients UNDERSTAND their problems with adultfrienedfinder women instead of just giving them gung-ho motivation talk.
Anybody can tell you to act like a jerk and give you a confidence boost for a few days or weeks, but how many dating coaches can help you UNDERSTAND your problems and create a LONG-LASTING CHANGE in yourself?
Would you rather receive newsletter articles that can give you “insights” on how something works (such as this one), or would you rather just “visualize your success” and feel good until depression hits again?
Just like I’ve turned myself into a more productive worker by understanding myself better, I would like to turn YOU into a “Smarter Dater” by helping you understand yourself better.
Here’s the assignment of the day:
Start a journal and record your encounters with women.
Record what you were thinking when you were feeling shy or insecure in front of a woman.
Then think about WHY you were feeling that way. (Example…Uncertainty, fear of rejection, etc…)
Chances are, you’ll be surprised by some of the answers.
When I introduced this exercise to a client last week, he found out that his “real” problem wasn’t that he “didn’t know” how to flirt…but that he was afraid of what might happen if a woman had rejected her.
A lesser dating coach would have just given him more “techniques” to try, and the guy would have still failed to flirt with women.
But by specifying the negative emotions behind the dreaded task of flirting, my client can now work on overcoming them. In fact, it has been overcome already. After I pinpointed his problem to uncertainty, he emailed me back and said, “I guess I need to let go of my expectations like you say all the time, huh?”
He did just that…and now he’s having a lot of success with women.
I didn’t have to teach him tons of “lines” or dozens of techniques. All I had to do was to help him “understand.”
See the power of PINPOINTING your problems and negative emotions?